I feel like we've been spoiled with two chapters released consecutively... oh well. (I'm not complaining by any means, just saying)

 

Anywho, this is really really really good Riri. Can't wait to see the next chapter.

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>ℜɮᘿl<

The creator pǝl to us...

 

Masquerade

Hide your face so the world will never find you

 

Remember, there are things far worse than a shattered chandelier

 

Forge your own path

 

The verdict is GUILTY and now she must BURN!

 

DCI.

7-8-14||SQUAR

@Rebel

yeeaaah i don't have any restraint, what can i say...i love watching everyone's reactions, they make my day :D glad you like it!

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❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀

{Riri}

The ForumFic Writer

She/Her/Writer

Self-Proclaimed Forum Haruhi Fujioka

if i haven't responded tell me at /324752

#BHchatisbestchat

joined 2/20/18 | 5317 stars 

"ooh-wooh what's this?"

❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀

Hey Riri do you mind constructive criticism? It's really good, I just have a few notes.

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Keep going, friend :D! I believe in you!

 

'Goat like yelps'

-Hootsie

 

#SupportPeri

 

Basic psychology. Also I read a lot of memes.

 

I scream a lot!

Finally finished reading to the latest update! This is awesome, Riri!

 

Hope to see RA!Thunderstorm in the next chapter!

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~Thunderstorm~

Thunder, Thundy, or TS

(She/Her/They)

Your local writer of angst!

 

/Rebellious Saltshaker/

-Pine Tree- 

|Silent Stone|

 

When there's no cops around, anything's legal!

Not at all, Ghost! I'm an amateur writer and seriously wish to improve :')

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❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀

{Riri}

The ForumFic Writer

She/Her/Writer

Self-Proclaimed Forum Haruhi Fujioka

if i haven't responded tell me at /324752

#BHchatisbestchat

joined 2/20/18 | 5317 stars 

"ooh-wooh what's this?"

❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀

Wow, this is AMAZING. I hope my cinnamon roll Jay will be accepted, though I'll probably have to throw in myself instead, cri))

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Blueangel

 

I won't pretend anymore.

 

You can fix something, but that doesn't mean it's still not broken,

you can listen but that doesn't mean you understand.

 

Everywhere is somewhere, 

everyone is something.

 

So why am I nothing?

Thanks! I just had a few comments:

First, we haven't actually seen Earth-22 yet. If you want a reader to believe that Beat is this haven that's way better than Earth-22, you should show what it's like. The only scenes we have of it are Riri going down to Beat and someone sketching.

 

Second, you haven't really explained the world of Beat. It's underground, so is all the lighting done with neon paint? And if so, is vandalism allowed (As you described a lot of neon paint)? What are the rules of Beat? This also comes into effect with the stadium- you haven't really described what it looks like, or how the battles work. 

 

The character's personalities also kinda confuse me. They all seem to be constantly cheerful, so they kinda blend together, making it hard to tell them apart. One good way to fix this is something JK Rowling did, where you associate your characters with key words: 'bushy brown hair'- Hermione,

'drawling', Draco', 'horn-rimmed glasses', percy. Even with minor characters, she repeated these to help you remember who everyone is. They also fluctuate- first impressions mean everything, so if Mockingjay acts edgy when we first see her, I'll expect her to keep that up. 

 

My main complaint really is the world- you haven't really explained the rules of this place, and how it all works. What do people do all day? Does Beat have a government? If no, is it just anarchy? If the stadium doesn't allow sharp arrows, how come characters have whips shurikens and blades? A more fleshed-out world really helps the reader get a better feel for it. You can build a lot of scaffolding behind the scenes and not even show it, but it'll be noticeable that it's there. Most of my questions were about the world, including the ones I mentioned previously. Where does the prize money for the battles come from? Can literally anyone just have a go at it? If so, why don't they? Why do they partly have advanced tech and partly stuff we use today like our slang and phones? 

 

As a last thing, we haven't had any real conflict yet. These characters are famous battlers, and I haven't really gotten a feel for their possible journeys- Reading the last chapter, I presume it's gonna start happening now, but still. What do they want? They've barely expressed opinions.

 

It's great overall, you have good writing for actions scenes and descriptions, but these are just a few things you could work on.

 

P.S.: Why is there magic? We haven't really seen characters use their powers, and the magic we've seen could be explained as advanced tech. Again, just some worldbuilding

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Keep going, friend :D! I believe in you!

 

'Goat like yelps'

-Hootsie

 

#SupportPeri

 

Basic psychology. Also I read a lot of memes.

 

I scream a lot!

Thanks, Ghost. I appreciate the criticism and i’m sure to fix it after this. I’m on mobile right now, so I can’t type everything out yet. Thanks anyways :)

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❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀

{Riri}

The ForumFic Writer

She/Her/Writer

Self-Proclaimed Forum Haruhi Fujioka

if i haven't responded tell me at /324752

#BHchatisbestchat

joined 2/20/18 | 5317 stars 

"ooh-wooh what's this?"

❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀

My comment to that: If we were trying to be realistic, than the chapters would be much longer. I think like you in that sense, so Don’t do it. It’ll take the fun out of it. :)

 

 

@Riri: (later on, take note) Could you make Summer have a moment when he calms down someone who has “Set Fire to the Rain”? I just thought of it while listening, it would be an interesting thing to see you play it out.

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~Summer~

 LGBTQ+ Supporter

Swampy changed me. Thank her.

Discord squad

HTTYD Obsession!

GGaD. WGI!. HF. RA!. TGP.

I'm Mr. Comfort

¡Swammer! 

Oh my....

 

(Was about to unload so much positive swearing, but forgot this was the wrong place)

 

SO GOOD

 

SO GOOD

 

DRAMA

 

SHIPPING

 

LOVE POLYGONS

 

IT HAS IT ALL!!!

 

lol, wonder what I would be like in this world.

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Garbo 

Boi

 

Iaback(maybe it will change)

 

havMPasmabouit(if you want to.)

 

 livithFriend zone

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

@Summer

not sure. it'd be hard to include because it'd be off plot...

 

 

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❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀

{Riri}

The ForumFic Writer

She/Her/Writer

Self-Proclaimed Forum Haruhi Fujioka

if i haven't responded tell me at /324752

#BHchatisbestchat

joined 2/20/18 | 5317 stars 

"ooh-wooh what's this?"

❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀

@MURDOC

 

DA SHIPPPPSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

 

YASSSSSSSSSSSSS

 

 

YASSSSSS

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ıllı тσғғεε ıllı

     TᕼE ᑎEKO ᑭᖇIᑎᑕEᔕᔕ 

 • ᴀɴɪᴍᴇ & sʜɪᴘᴘɪɴɢ ᴏʙsᴇssᴇᴅ •

  ♫ #ʀʜʏᴛʜᴍᴀᴄᴄᴇss  ♫ 

  "ɪ'ᴍ ᴀ ᴡᴀʟɴᴜᴛ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴘᴀssɪᴏɴ!"

   #ᴍᴜʀғᴇᴇ #sʜɪᴘᴘɪɴɢғᴀᴍɪʟʏ 

    ᑭᖇOᑌᗪ ᗰEᗰᗷEᖇ Oᖴ ᗷᕼ

#KᗩᗯᗩII4EᐯEᖇ #LlamaHistory

 

*Eagerly waits for next chapter*

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Garbo 

Boi

 

Iaback(maybe it will change)

 

havMPasmabouit(if you want to.)

 

 livithFriend zone

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

;.;

 

You made me think there was a new chapter...

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~Pancakes~

 

"Don't poop in other threads."~Dynasty

 

"I'm not a psychopath, I'm just very creative."~Harry Potter-Evans-Verres

 

"I SHALL HIT YOU WITH A HAPPY BRICK!"~Sanetra

 

"No, I need a computer that doesn't double as an egg fryer."~Night

 

#FGDT

#AnAlt

And you made me think that there was a new chapter.

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Gulfstream

She/Her

Empress of Positivity

 

Deerling/Luxray Fusion

 

#Cleaverfans; Miri, Violet, Vine

 

Forum Sisters: Violet, Lunastar, Bixbite, Riri, and more  

 

Forum BFF: Silverskies

 

I have Autism. Ask me about it

 

 

 

 

Same Murdoc :c

 

But it's okay. :)

 

Just remember we don't post on here unless Riri posts a new chapter. Since lots of us are always excited and eager for the next part of the story, we get disappointed easily when it's just a bump or something else. 

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ıllı тσғғεε ıllı

     TᕼE ᑎEKO ᑭᖇIᑎᑕEᔕᔕ 

 • ᴀɴɪᴍᴇ & sʜɪᴘᴘɪɴɢ ᴏʙsᴇssᴇᴅ •

  ♫ #ʀʜʏᴛʜᴍᴀᴄᴄᴇss  ♫ 

  "ɪ'ᴍ ᴀ ᴡᴀʟɴᴜᴛ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴘᴀssɪᴏɴ!"

   #ᴍᴜʀғᴇᴇ #sʜɪᴘᴘɪɴɢғᴀᴍɪʟʏ 

    ᑭᖇOᑌᗪ ᗰEᗰᗷEᖇ Oᖴ ᗷᕼ

#KᗩᗯᗩII4EᐯEᖇ #LlamaHistory

 

Aaaaand same here.

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BIXBITE

}{starz: 3300}{

 

Don't let them in, don't let them see

Be the good girl you always have to be

Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know

Well now they know...

Let it go...

That perfect girl is gone

Let the storm rage on!!!

 

Peruvian pride!

if you guys post two more times we hit 5 pages

and the chapter's almost out, stay hyped! in the BH wiki chat if you wanna talk about anything :D

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❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀

{Riri}

The ForumFic Writer

She/Her/Writer

Self-Proclaimed Forum Haruhi Fujioka

if i haven't responded tell me at /324752

#BHchatisbestchat

joined 2/20/18 | 5317 stars 

"ooh-wooh what's this?"

❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

>:3

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ıllı тσғғεε ıllı

     TᕼE ᑎEKO ᑭᖇIᑎᑕEᔕᔕ 

 • ᴀɴɪᴍᴇ & sʜɪᴘᴘɪɴɢ ᴏʙsᴇssᴇᴅ •

  ♫ #ʀʜʏᴛʜᴍᴀᴄᴄᴇss  ♫ 

  "ɪ'ᴍ ᴀ ᴡᴀʟɴᴜᴛ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴘᴀssɪᴏɴ!"

   #ᴍᴜʀғᴇᴇ #sʜɪᴘᴘɪɴɢғᴀᴍɪʟʏ 

    ᑭᖇOᑌᗪ ᗰEᗰᗷEᖇ Oᖴ ᗷᕼ

#KᗩᗯᗩII4EᐯEᖇ #LlamaHistory

 

Cool

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Hyperbole 

{she/her|1223}

12-21-16 

LGBTQA+

I was killed by Autocorrect! 

I support you for being you!

I’m here too! Hi Sanetra! 

“I’m not MOPPING! YOU’RE mopping!”

Dial this number, /312175, if I haven't gotten back to you.

I can't find the chat!!!

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Gulfstream

She/Her

Empress of Positivity

 

Deerling/Luxray Fusion

 

#Cleaverfans; Miri, Violet, Vine

 

Forum Sisters: Violet, Lunastar, Bixbite, Riri, and more  

 

Forum BFF: Silverskies

 

I have Autism. Ask me about it

 

 

 

 

HOW DO YOU GET TO THE BH WIKI CHAT?!?! DO YOU NEED AN ACCOUNT OR????

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{*}Violet{*}

The Forums little sis{*}#GoodinBad{*}Joined: 13th of July 2016{*}#RememberTheLost{*}BFF:Sea-Fire{*}#Cleaverfans: Vine, Miri, Gulfstream and me. And Cleaver

Forum Fam: I give up!

 I might only have one match

But I can make an explosion

 

 

 

 

search Bellmans high fwrp wikia :)

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❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀

{Riri}

The ForumFic Writer

She/Her/Writer

Self-Proclaimed Forum Haruhi Fujioka

if i haven't responded tell me at /324752

#BHchatisbestchat

joined 2/20/18 | 5317 stars 

"ooh-wooh what's this?"

❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀

WHEW

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ıllı тσғғεε ıllı

     TᕼE ᑎEKO ᑭᖇIᑎᑕEᔕᔕ 

 • ᴀɴɪᴍᴇ & sʜɪᴘᴘɪɴɢ ᴏʙsᴇssᴇᴅ •

  ♫ #ʀʜʏᴛʜᴍᴀᴄᴄᴇss  ♫ 

  "ɪ'ᴍ ᴀ ᴡᴀʟɴᴜᴛ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴘᴀssɪᴏɴ!"

   #ᴍᴜʀғᴇᴇ #sʜɪᴘᴘɪɴɢғᴀᴍɪʟʏ 

    ᑭᖇOᑌᗪ ᗰEᗰᗷEᖇ Oᖴ ᗷᕼ

#KᗩᗯᗩII4EᐯEᖇ #LlamaHistory

 

no wait

my math is off

20 more posts .-. 

so uh we'll probably hit it by chapter five

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❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀

{Riri}

The ForumFic Writer

She/Her/Writer

Self-Proclaimed Forum Haruhi Fujioka

if i haven't responded tell me at /324752

#BHchatisbestchat

joined 2/20/18 | 5317 stars 

"ooh-wooh what's this?"

❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀

Yes, but specifally, the chat? I can't find it!

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{*}Violet{*}

The Forums little sis{*}#GoodinBad{*}Joined: 13th of July 2016{*}#RememberTheLost{*}BFF:Sea-Fire{*}#Cleaverfans: Vine, Miri, Gulfstream and me. And Cleaver

Forum Fam: I give up!

 I might only have one match

But I can make an explosion

 

 

 

 

I saw the wiki, where is the chat?

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Gulfstream

She/Her

Empress of Positivity

 

Deerling/Luxray Fusion

 

#Cleaverfans; Miri, Violet, Vine

 

Forum Sisters: Violet, Lunastar, Bixbite, Riri, and more  

 

Forum BFF: Silverskies

 

I have Autism. Ask me about it

 

 

 

 

@Violet

yeah, you do D: sorry!

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❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀

{Riri}

The ForumFic Writer

She/Her/Writer

Self-Proclaimed Forum Haruhi Fujioka

if i haven't responded tell me at /324752

#BHchatisbestchat

joined 2/20/18 | 5317 stars 

"ooh-wooh what's this?"

❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀

ah, yes! go to explore > wiki activity. it should be in the right hand bar.

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❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀

{Riri}

The ForumFic Writer

She/Her/Writer

Self-Proclaimed Forum Haruhi Fujioka

if i haven't responded tell me at /324752

#BHchatisbestchat

joined 2/20/18 | 5317 stars 

"ooh-wooh what's this?"

❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀

What right hand bar?

 

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Gulfstream

She/Her

Empress of Positivity

 

Deerling/Luxray Fusion

 

#Cleaverfans; Miri, Violet, Vine

 

Forum Sisters: Violet, Lunastar, Bixbite, Riri, and more  

 

Forum BFF: Silverskies

 

I have Autism. Ask me about it

 

 

 

 

okay, if you're on desktop, it's above the new pages and community section. if you're on mobile, i don't know how to fix it D:

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❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀

{Riri}

The ForumFic Writer

She/Her/Writer

Self-Proclaimed Forum Haruhi Fujioka

if i haven't responded tell me at /324752

#BHchatisbestchat

joined 2/20/18 | 5317 stars 

"ooh-wooh what's this?"

❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀~❀

aND FOR A MOMENT I THOUGHT THERE WAS A NEW CHAPTER ;-;

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BIXBITE

}{starz: 3300}{

 

Don't let them in, don't let them see

Be the good girl you always have to be

Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know

Well now they know...

Let it go...

That perfect girl is gone

Let the storm rage on!!!

 

Peruvian pride!

You have to have an account to have to go on chat

It won't appear if you aren't signed in. 

And on mobile Chat appears at the bottom of the page.

Also this story is really awesome

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Cleverfighting

Or just Cleaver

 

"If you're searching for the meaning of life,

you're already doing it wrong.

Your life doesn't need a meaning.

It just needs a purpose.

In other words, you just need something to live for."

~ Monokuma

 

Remember the lost

Oh, I don't have an account. That's why

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Gulfstream

She/Her

Empress of Positivity

 

Deerling/Luxray Fusion

 

#Cleaverfans; Miri, Violet, Vine

 

Forum Sisters: Violet, Lunastar, Bixbite, Riri, and more  

 

Forum BFF: Silverskies

 

I have Autism. Ask me about it

 

 

 

 

Me either

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{*}Violet{*}

The Forums little sis{*}#GoodinBad{*}Joined: 13th of July 2016{*}#RememberTheLost{*}BFF:Sea-Fire{*}#Cleaverfans: Vine, Miri, Gulfstream and me. And Cleaver

Forum Fam: I give up!

 I might only have one match

But I can make an explosion

 

 

 

 

Why 

The second "to have" is a glitch

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Cleverfighting

Or just Cleaver

 

"If you're searching for the meaning of life,

you're already doing it wrong.

Your life doesn't need a meaning.

It just needs a purpose.

In other words, you just need something to live for."

~ Monokuma

 

Remember the lost

I have an account so I don't have to struggle. Not to rub it in anyone's faces, I still don't have too much time to get on it.

 

Also, I don't see you in BH chat Riri.

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N/Y/X

Smol spoopy demon child™

#Llama History

They/Them

RhythAccess

LGBTQ+!

You can't hit bulls-eye if the target keeps moving

 

He was bold man who first ate an oyster

 

Life isn't perfectwhy should be?

When are we getting Chapter 5?

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N/Y/X

Smol spoopy demon child™

#Llama History

They/Them

RhythAccess

LGBTQ+!

You can't hit bulls-eye if the target keeps moving

 

He was bold man who first ate an oyster

 

Life isn't perfectwhy should be?

Riri says later tonight.  :3

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ıllı тσғғεε ıllı

     TᕼE ᑎEKO ᑭᖇIᑎᑕEᔕᔕ 

 • ᴀɴɪᴍᴇ & sʜɪᴘᴘɪɴɢ ᴏʙsᴇssᴇᴅ •

  ♫ #ʀʜʏᴛʜᴍᴀᴄᴄᴇss  ♫ 

  "ɪ'ᴍ ᴀ ᴡᴀʟɴᴜᴛ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴘᴀssɪᴏɴ!"

   #ᴍᴜʀғᴇᴇ #sʜɪᴘᴘɪɴɢғᴀᴍɪʟʏ 

    ᑭᖇOᑌᗪ ᗰEᗰᗷEᖇ Oᖴ ᗷᕼ

#KᗩᗯᗩII4EᐯEᖇ #LlamaHistory

 

*anxiously waiting*

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N/Y/X

Smol spoopy demon child™

#Llama History

They/Them

RhythAccess

LGBTQ+!

You can't hit bulls-eye if the target keeps moving

 

He was bold man who first ate an oyster

 

Life isn't perfectwhy should be?

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