PART ONE


Since Creator, the greatly feared and respected NightWing, had been defeated and exiled to the desert many years ago, he lived by himself in his horrible palace which no one dared to enter.

Until today.


Today, the darkest night.

No moons were visible in the sky, and three young dragonets stood in the sand outside Creator’s terrible home.

“I dare you,” A young SkyWing urged his friend as the sky became darker.

The third dragonet, a female NightWing, gave them both a doubtful look. “Guys, are you sure this is safe? I mean, he’s supposedly still alive in there.”

The SkyWing, who went by the name of Robin, grinned. “Scared, are you? Don’t worry, I’ll be right behind you!”

His friend Urchin grumbled, “Yeah, to push us down the stairs and scream that The Creator is coming to murder us all…”

Darkscales, the NightWing, scoffed. “Robin, if you’re so brave, why don’t you go first? Go on, knock!”

Robin confidently stepped up to the huge, dark, double doors and rapped sharply with his talons.

They waited several moments, and he laughed. “See, nobody here! Nothing to be scared of!”


The door then dramatically creaked open.


“Hiya kids!” Creator leaped out the door, grinning maniacally. “Welcome to my famous Haunted Palace!”

The dragonets screamed. And screamed. Annnd kept screaming.

Creator stood there staring at them. “Are you okay?”

Their screams slowly died out and they stood awkwardly staring at each other.

“A-are… are you Creator?” Urchin stammered.

Creator bowed dramatically. That’s normal. Everything he does is dramatic. “Of course, young SeaWing! Who else would be living here? It is my house after all.”

Urchin promptly collapsed to the ground, unconscious, earning a disgusted glare from Darkscales.

Robin was obviously shaking, but went on with his plan of entering the Haunted dwelling. “Well… Uh… Can we come in?”

Darkscales disgusted glare immediately shifted to the SkyWing.

The grin spread across Creator’s snout widened rather disturbingly. “Of course, of course! Would you like some refreshments? A bucket of water to wake your friend?”


Once Urchin was awake, the dragonets were left in the dining hall.

Robin was stuffing his face with some sort of roasted meat, Urchin was hiding behind some sort of statue, and Darkscales was glaring at Robin.

“You really shouldn’t eat that food. It could be poisoned, or worse.” She snapped.

Robin paused. “What could be worse than poison? And why do you even care?”

“You’re sort of my friend, even if your brain is full of feathers. And what could be worse than poison? Well what do you think of cannibalism?”

The young SkyWing’s face paled, and he spat out the bits of meat in his mouth. “That’s disgusting, Dark! Where do you think the old NightWing has wandered off to, anyway?”

“I don’t want to know,” Urchin mumbled from the corner. “We should leave while we still have all our limbs.”

“Probably.” Darkscales agreed. “If he is even the real Creator. He might be an imposter. And do either of you even remember how to get back to the entrance?”

Her friends were silent.

“Well then. We’ll have to try to retrace our steps, and you can’t blame me if we all end up dead.”

Urchin whimpered pathetically and shrank back behind the statue again. Darkscales squinted at the statue. “Isn’t that statue a bit odd?”

Robin walked up to the stone statue of a SandWing and tapped it with one talon. “Creepy, don’t you think, Urchin? Very… realistic.”

Urchin scrambled back, thoroughly spooked. “Do you… Do you think t-the legends are true? That he could turn dragons to stone?”

“He didn’t turn us to stone did he?” Darkscales growled. “If he is Creator, he most likely no longer has his powers.”

Suddenly, a shrill shriek echoed through the fortress, bouncing off the stone walls. With it came a flood of bats, swirling around the dragonets ears.

Urchin returned the shriek, darting away into one of the many dark hallways in the labyrinth of a palace that Creator had built to torment…


END OF PART ONE

 

I am working on part two at the moment

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Séance

a soft & friendly monster 

 

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killjoy

ooooooooooooo

 

 

 

is has changed color of font for this oooooo

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                                              {CRICKET}

                                     

 

 

    

                                     bleh.I is insaneee

 

 

 

 

 

Plz continue. ;-;

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PEARL|Onyx you get a cookie if you found this white text

Im a ghost by the way.Dont ask

Im insane and Im proud

#MoreSpaceInSiggies

#ISupportSameGenderShipping

#SaveTheBlobfish

"STEVEN! I'M ON A TRACTOR!"~Green Space Dorito

No Dragon Seeker I cant read it 

oooooo kewl :P

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;; Archangel ;;

~ life is so short, why waste it? ~

~ the universe is in your bones, the stars in your soul, it's never really the end ~

~ close your eyes and open your mind ~

~ the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow ~

part two is going really slowly but I might finish it by midnight

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killjoy

*WARNING* Contains some blood and violence

If it was a movie it would be probably PG-13

 

 

 

 

PART TWO

 

Robin jumped, yelping. “Urchin, wait!” But the scrawny emerald dragon was gone.

“Now we have to find that pathetic lizard and the exit…” Darkscales hissed irritably, swatting at a bat.

The two friends inched down the pitch-black corridor, stumbling over something that felt suspiciously like bones… Or smooth sticks. Whichever you prefer.

Darkscales reached her talons out in front of her, waving them in the darkness in hope of finding a wall, or at least clearing some cobwebs away.

Surprisingly, her talons smacked into something which definitely felt like wood. Probably a torch. She breathed a small flame, lighting the stick and illuminating a stone corridor, with smears and talon-prints on the floor in the same color as her SkyWing friend’s scales.

“Well… Do you think Urchin’s dead then?” She inquired.

Robin looked horrified, poking at the tracks with one talon. “They don’t look like SeaWing talons.”

“How wonderful,” Darkscales groaned. “He’s probably dead then.”

Her friend stopped, staring at her. “Are we gonna die?! We’re gonna die, aren’t we? Creator killed Urchin and now he’s gonna kill us!”

 


Creator’s grinning face appeared at the edge of the torch-light, startling the dragonets. “Kill who? Why? Pretty sure I have enough corpses down here already!”

Robin let out a terrified screech and blindly ran back in the other direction, leaving Darkscales to face the old NightWing on her own.

“That wasn’t too smart, was it? He could run into anything in that dark, for example a spider, or a blade, or even another dragon!” Creator chuckled.

Darkscales stared at him. “What do you want, you sick old psycho?”

“Respect. Freedom. ...an apprentice, perhaps?” He frowned briefly, before his disturbing grin returned. “The others all failed me, but you seem smart! How about it?”

The dark purple dragonet looked him straight in his shining black eyes and hissed. “How about you go play with your spiders, freak?”

Creator’s expression darkened dramatically. “You could at least have listened to my first request, dragonet,” he growled, swiftly stealing the torch from her talons and stabbing it through her chest, extinguishing the flame in her scales.

 


There was a gasp, and a scrabbling noise as the young NightWing desperately tried to pull the wood out of her heart, then silence in the blood-spattered darkness.

 


Robin stumbled into the light in a room which was definitely not the one he had come from earlier.

“A library?” he whispered. It struck him as a bit odd that a crazy old animus with an unquenchable thirst for blood would have a library in the middle of his torture-castle.

The dragonet then groaned, realizing he was most likely horribly lost in a stone labyrinth with a murderer. “I’m so stupid… why did I convince them to come here…?”

“Why indeed?” rasped a voice directly behind his ear.

 

END OF PART TWO

 

Sorry it's a bit shorter than the last, I didn't have as much time to work on it.

Mods please let this through

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Séance

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yay

thank you so much mods

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NUUUUU DARKSCAAAALleEESSSsSs

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*Vine

{She/They/Idiot} {Lord of fangirls and shippers} {Eyy}  

 

It's not what we are. It's what we do.  

 

{A total trash mammal}  

 

#CharaDefenseSquad

#TrashSquad

#MuchInsecure

"I will send a fully armed battalion to remind you of my love."

Ooohhh!!!! This is awesome!!!!

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Cleaver

 

In other words,

you just need something to live for

 

you could draw my blood with just a word and I'd forgive you

 

It was all so real to me... 

 

Remember the lost

And everything is okay

up

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killjoy

DARKSCALES!

 

Robin needs to go ahead and die. It's HIS fault.

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I am a Magic Kitten!

My nickname is Magic

 

"Everyone should suddenly have the air turn into seven bright purple dragons yelling hysterically whenever she gets attacked." -Tsunami

 

 

 

 

 

@Magic

Oh, he knows

It will probably tear him up inside til the moment of his death, as he had a bit of a crush on Dark

 

MWAHAHAHA I'M FEELING SO EVIL RIGHT NOW

BEING SO EVIL TO MY NEW OCS

IT'S SO FUN

 

 

I'm about halfway done with Part Three, so I might finish soon...

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PART THREE

 

Robin squeaked, flailing his talons as he whirled around to face whoever was standing behind him.

The odd-looking female SeaWing jumped out of the way, laughing. “Did you think I was one of his monsters? Don’t worry, they don’t come in here. This is my room.”

“Who are you?” Robin asked, backing away.

She smiled at him, though not as disturbingly as Creator had. “Princess Nautilina of the SeaWings. Second-youngest daughter of Queen Tuatara.”

Robin gave her a confused look. “If you’re a princess, why are you in here?”

“Well, Creator’s my dad.” Nautilina rolled her eyes. “Annnd he doesn’t let me leave this room.”

The little red dragon contemplated his choices. He could run for his life, or run for his life with a princess who could possibly be a murderer.

“Well… Do you wanna help me find the exit?”

 

 

The two dragonets snuck down endless darkened corridors, tripping and stumbling over what were probably bodies.

“I think it’s this way?” Nautilina vaguely gestured towards the left, where there was a small dark doorway.

Robin stepped towards the entrance. “Oh, oka-” He shrieked as an IceWing skeleton popped out of the dark, screeching and clattering.

“That’s not normal.” Nautilina noted, grabbing her new friend’s arm and dragging him in the opposite direction.

Robin scrambled after her, gasping. “None of this is normal! I’m running through a horrible fortress of murder with a princess, and both of my friends are probably dead!”

“Ooooh, your friends are dead?” Nautilina shook her head. “Sorry about that, I suppose.”

The blood-red SkyWing pulled away from her, staring. “You’re as crazy as he is, aren’t you?!”

“Am I?” She slowly turned around, staring at him with suddenly empty sockets, her grinning teeth dripping.

Robin screamed, backed up against a wall. He squeezed his eyes shut, bracing himself for his inevitable death.

But nothing happened.

He slowly opened his eyes to see…

Nothing.

Nautilina, or what was left of Nautilina, was gone.

 

 

The little red-scaled dragonet had been wandering in terror for hours, screaming at every jumpscare, corpse, or spider.

He was sure he had heard a far-off voice, singing, at times, though at the moment all was silent.

He took another step forward in his endless trek, only to realize that his right hind talons would not move. Robin looked back, and at first could see nothing wrong…

Then he saw the gray talons, wrapped around his ankle.

He screamed, but no noise came from his gaping jaws.


The SkyWing had turned to stone, to be left watching through cold marble eyes the many others who would find their way into Creator’s Palace, and never leave.

 


THE END

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a soft & friendly monster 

 

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killjoy

please read

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IT'S FINISHED

READ IT

AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK

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I WORKED SUPER HARD ON THIS

READ IT PLEASE

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Séance

a soft & friendly monster 

 

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killjoy

...

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killjoy

does nobody like it? was it too violent? Has anybody even read part three yet?

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Séance

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;-; This is the best yet worst ending. I LOVE IT. TEACH ME YOUR WAYS KIT. PLEASE.

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*Vine

{She/They/Idiot} {Lord of fangirls and shippers} {Eyy}  

 

It's not what we are. It's what we do.  

 

{A total trash mammal}  

 

#CharaDefenseSquad

#TrashSquad

#MuchInsecure

"I will send a fully armed battalion to remind you of my love."

@Vine

Thanks for commenting... XD

I have no idea how to teach you my ways because I have no idea how I wrote this

I just drank a bunch of sugary soda and BAM I'm typing 50 words per minute

I don't remember thinking any of this up, I barely remember typing it

Literally the only part I planned was the skeleton

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Séance

a soft & friendly monster 

 

I live for Pretty. Odd.

 

I miss ryan ross

 

killjoy

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Séance

a soft & friendly monster 

 

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killjoy

...

 

Well.

 

Robin didn't live with the guilt very long, did he.

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I am a Magic Kitten!

My nickname is Magic

 

"Everyone should suddenly have the air turn into seven bright purple dragons yelling hysterically whenever she gets attacked." -Tsunami

 

 

 

 

 

kit

 

why are you so good at this

 

AND WHAT HAPPENED TO URCHIN

 

URCHIN NO

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insanity

 

bisexual. female. definitely inactive.

 

marvel trash. find me on discord.

 

leaving thread /337021

KIT MAKE AN RP/FANFIC WITH ME NOW

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;; Archangel ;;

~ life is so short, why waste it? ~

~ the universe is in your bones, the stars in your soul, it's never really the end ~

~ close your eyes and open your mind ~

~ the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow ~

@Insanity

I honestly don't think this fanfic is that great

It was kinda rushed 

 

My personal theory, though this is not confirmed, is that Urchin was eaten by a giant spider

 

 

@Bonfire

Sure 

I do want to write more fanfics/stories, so that would be awesome

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Séance

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killjoy

Remember that one haunted house rp you made? With Killer and Iris?

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insanity

 

bisexual. female. definitely inactive.

 

marvel trash. find me on discord.

 

leaving thread /337021

@Insanity

Yeah

That was fun, maybe I'll do a remake or something

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Séance

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killjoy

But omg it was hilarious

 

"Hey master! Come see my pet! His name is KILLER!" 

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insanity

 

bisexual. female. definitely inactive.

 

marvel trash. find me on discord.

 

leaving thread /337021

@Insanity

LOL

I should really write a oneshot about Iris' backstory

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Séance

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SO GOOD! *cheers*

 

And yes, I know how it feels, to torture OCs. I have been doing that since I started witong.

 

Moons, that is the best part of writing.

 

But whyyy did you kill the smol SkyWing? He was so adorable!

 

And the Creator was honestly, evilly creepy. So you did a good job with the feels factor there.

 

Y'know, I should eat more sugar; if that's what it does to you, imagine what it would do to me! *imagines* *ROFL*

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Opti

 

 T'hiyeh tikvah b'makom atzivah.

 May there be hope instead of sadness.

 

I'm the nobody in the corner. You don't know I'm there. You forget I ever existed.

@Opti

I don't know why I killed the SkyWing

I don't know why he existed in the first place

 

BUT

 

He might not be completely dead, since he was turned to stone using animus magic? 

 

Creator is the dragon form of the darkest thoughts that have ever tormented my mind when I'm trying to sleep

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NOTES:

It was totally cannibalism

Robin had a crush on Darkscales

Creator is Darkscales’ great-uncle

Urchin was eaten by a giant spider

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SQUEEEEEAAAAAKKKK!!!!!!!!!!

*Faints*

 

(Translation- It was so so so awesome and extra scary and I probably won't sleep well tonight!)

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Call Me Rivulet

Child Of The Stars

 

             Asteroid

ChilOThSun

 

             Instinct

Child Of The Moon

 

Lilly - My Favorite OC

 

{❤️ OWLCITY}

 

#IBelieveInLove

 

#ISTOLEDRIPPY'SCAR

 

Forum Lucky Ducky

 

OMU = OMG

IF I HAD CREATOR'S FORM I WOULD DO FANART OMG

 

GREAT STORY

 

BEST STORY

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-Frostbyte- 

*finger guns into eternity*

 

-She/they

-lesbab

- yooooo

OH MY GOSH!!!!! BEST FANFIC EVER!!!!! YOU ARE AN AMAZING WRITER!!!!!!

 

Oh, and, the same thing happens to me. I'll eat a ton of candy and then suddenly it'll be like I MUST WRITE!!!!!! Sometimes it feels like Inspiration Wolf randomly decides to use her epic powers on me. (Inspiration Wolf is an Oc/character from a story I really want to write)

And, YOU IS AWESOME WRITER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!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...Those things are starting to kill my eyes...

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Please tell us why you'd like to report this post

Cleaver

 

In other words,

you just need something to live for

 

you could draw my blood with just a word and I'd forgive you

 

It was all so real to me... 

 

Remember the lost

And everything is okay

@Cleverfighting - Same. That many exclamation marks areannoying.

 

But this is a really nice story! Not the beeest beginning. Might want a better hook. But it's fine. 

 

I like your writing style. It's easy to read, and I can actually somewhat hear you in it.

 

It kinda makes little sense near the beginning... I mean, he just jumps out and says "Welcome to my haunted palace!" and they're invited inside? It is a bit rushed... But I can't really complain. It's not like I could write that much and still feel like writing more chapters. I can never finish chapter stories...

 

Just saying, "That’s normal. Everything he does is dramatic." is kinda out of place. It's present tense when the rest is past tense. 

 

And then in the second chapter, Robin just runs...? That might be the normal reaction, but would you really just run away as soon as he appeared? It's not really logical for Robin to just run away in a blind panic. Wouldn't it be better if he was rooted to the spot in fear or something?

 

 And then in "He could run into anything in that dark, for example a spider, or a blade, or even another dragon!”", maybe reconsider your choice of commas? Wouldn't it sound kinda more natural as "He could run into anything in that dark. A spider... A blade... Even another dragon!"?

 

 Just wondering, why is the queen of the SeaWings called Tuatara? Last I checked, the tuataras at the zoo are in the Native NZ Animals part, not the aquarium. And anyways I never heard about tuataras being in the sea... Always thought they were land lizards...

 

 And then, why does Nautilina just randomly become empty-eyed? Shouldn't there be some foreshadowing or whatever it's called? It just seems kind of out of place.. And what on earth are her teeth dripping? Water? Blood? Saliva? It just.. doesn't seem as scary if it doesn't make sense.

 

 And between the third and second to last paragraphs, it seems kind of displacing... One moment Nautilina is a monster, the next we're wandering around the halls. And then the second to last paragraph is a bit rushed. Weirdly calm for a not-so-sane-anymore dragon. Or I assume all that fear and stress would leave Robin not-so-sane? 

 

And the last bit is nice....

 

And my dad is telling me to get off the computer now... 

 

And please don't be offended by that... I'm not very good at giving feedback and I always seem to focus on the negative... Sorry...

 

Um

 

Bye?

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{ACCOUNT ABANDONED}

 

latesunshine25 now

    1 ,