If you don't want to hear problems that mostly don't concern you, please get out right now. I need to rant.
First of all, everything started on Friday. I packed a bag to bring to my dad's house for the weekend. I brought clothes, one of my phone chargers, my earbuds and my laptop charger. I forgot the bag at school. I grabbed clothes from my mom's house, but my laptop is dead now and I can't charge it. I'm hoping I can retrieve the charger tomorrow and charge it during first period, but I don't know if I'll be able to, and then I'm dead. Also, I messed around on the forums and dA with my laptop time instead of finishing my music project or studying for French. The music project is due on Tuesday of this week, and I always finish projects on the day they're assigned: except this one. The forums finally got to me, and now I'm a mess. My French test is tomorrow, and my French teacher is known for giving extremely difficult tests. I'm convinced I'll fail, even though I've never gotten below a 90 on a French test. Then I left my phone at my dad's house, so I can't text my friends. You guys are the only people I have.
Second, I'm afraid. Not just because of everything that happened in the above paragraph. Because of my depression. Sometimes it just... goes away. And that's what scares me. I've been depressed for about two years. Anger and sadness and fake smiles and automatic laughter is all I've ever really known. When the depression goes away, I'm not happy. I don't feel anything. Anything at all. Depression is all I've known. To me, it's a huge part of my identity. It's what causes me to be sarcastic in real life. For it to leave, I feel like I've lost all knowing of what I am, of where I'm supposed to be in life. At least with my depression, I knew where I stood, and that was on the bottom, and it was something to be proud of. Without depression, I'm just confused. I lost my happiness and humor and optimism a while ago, and all that was left was my sadness and anger, and I held on to it, and now I feel like it's slipping away, like I'm becoming a heartless, feeling-less shell of a human. At least with my depression I knew I could feel something. Now I'm just... truly dead inside.
I'm not asking for help, because I know you can't help me. All I want is help, real help, but nobody can give it to me. I wonder if a therapist or something would help. Someone I know is depressed and they take pills for it. Should I be on pills? But if my depression went away, would I feel anything?
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I'm fine. Are you?
Daily Song Quote: "i've done all i can think of, chased down all my demons" -pink