i'm pretty insecure. wow, news flash, big surprise. but i just realized a lot of it stems from my family. most of my relatives are super smart and have great jobs, started a family, all that jazz. (i'm the oldest one under the age of 25) and most of them went to university for buisness. and then there's me. my parents separated ourselves from a lot of our extended family when we moved across the country. there are family friends with kids my age, yeah, but we never talk. all i hear about is everyone's accomplishments. this family friends daughter went to uni for psychology! my younger cousin got an award for chinese school! my other cousin can play 5 sports and the piano! and then i'm just here like, the most i've ever done is write some poetry and binge a cartoon in a few days. everyone around me is just distant accomplishments and i'm a comparer; i'm envious and i compare myself to everyone else. i'm not a straight a student like legit everyone in my family, i'm not sporty like my uncle and my cousin, i'm not musically inclined like my aunt, and i spend most of my time alone. it seems like everyone else has life figured out, and i have no idea what i want to do. i want to write but what are the chances i'll actually become a poet? i want to get into psychology but am i actually smart enough? i want to become a librarian but then i couldn't also pursue creative writing or psychology. i have no discernible talents or redeemable qualities or accomplishments. i'm not special in a family of amazing people.
my parents don't help either. comments like, "your neck is fat" or "fix your face" just rubs in the insecurities about my personality and future. they hate my acne and get me a bunch of creams that don't work to "fix my face" but i don't actually care about my acne until they brought it up. i used to be skinny as a toothpick and now they're saying i'm getting fatter when i'm just barely over underweight yet i have some tummy chub. they pressured me into braces again and i hate the invisalign so much bc it's just horrible. they try to make me look better when i thought i was perfectly fine before, and now i'm insecure about my appearance too.
another thing is that as far as i know, my entire family is not ok with lgbtq+ people. and here i am, crushing on daisy ridley and tessa thompson, bi as heck. yay. i'm the gay cousin but i'm the hated gay cousin who isn't good at anything.
y'know how the character who thought you'd never relate to turns out to be the one you relate to the most? yeah, that's me and lance from VLD, at least in the fanon. ok on the outside, but actually insecure and feeling like the weakest link on the inside.
one of the reasons i go on these forums is because there are people my age experiencing the same thing and yet we all come from different places and have different experiences. i could talk to people irl but that's real life, where people know you. besides, no one really notices me so who do i talk to? this place has people who i know will accept me and i can remain anonymous, which helps. my friends and you guys are the only support i have.
ok i got that outta my system and i feel better. mods please let this through
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people come into our lives for a reason
bringing something we must learn
we are led to those who help us most to grow
& we help them in return
i don't know if i believe that's true
but i know i'm who i am today
because i knew you