gosh okay this is gonna be a freakishly long post so i'm really sorry.
mods i know you use a filter to scan posts for inappropriate content, but if you ever see this for any reason, please, please let it through, it means the world to me
about four years ago, when i was twelve, i had a friend. i'll call her elizabeth. we had been friends since we were nine or ten. when i was nine or ten, i hero-worshipped her. she was a great artist and writer, for a nine/ten year old, and she was funny and confident. she was also nice, at first. i was finally able to work up the courage to tell her how much i looked up to her, and we eventually became joined-at-the-hip best friends. along with another mutual friend, whom i'll call grace, we started writing a comic series. looking back on it, it was laughably terrible, but we were nine and ten and we didn't care. it was our pride and joy, and it's the main thing i can remember from my life back then.
anyway, as i said, i totally hero-worshipped elizabeth. so much that i had patterned my own art style after hers. she was cool with it at first, even though what i did was actually terrible and i totally copied her without her permission. she understandably became annoyed with it after a while, although i, as a ten year old, didn't understand why she was mad. i told her "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" and made the mistake of not changing. so i was definitely in the wrong here, but that didn't justify how she would treat me later on.
fast forward to when we're twelve. we're still best friends, i think i've begun to develop a different art style, although i don't remember for sure. i am writing a story called fire and ice. elizabeth asks to co-write, and i say yes, because i still look up to her an unhealthy amount, although not quite as bad. she is a creative genius, but she has ideas for the story that i don't agree with. i try to keep my vision of it first and foremost, but i'm a doormat and she's stubborn. she has totally taken over my story, but i continue on as her co-writer for a while before getting fed up and quitting. it is somewhere around this time that she starts insulting me. honestly, the insults were the dumbest things you can think of- "you're ugly." "you're weak." "you're such an idiot." i mean, come on elizabeth how pathetic. but the combination of me being a doormat and my biggest role model calling me dumb really got to me, and i began to dislike myself- not hate, yet, but sometimes i believed her and i didn't like myself very much.
fast forward again- now we're thirteen and my stupid self has stayed in this toxic relationship the whole time. i'm feeling insecure for the first time in my life, i dislike myself a bit more often, but nothing too serious or out-of-the-ordinary for a young teen, i guess. elizabeth has new friends, whereas she is really all i have, so i am sort of shoved to the back burner sometimes. however, my family drives her home after school every day, and she stays at my house for about an hour before we drop her off at her house, because her parents don't want her home alone, for whatever reason. obviously, after school, the insults continue just as bad as ever. she is also still extremely controlling- i remember one time, i had just gotten my brand new tablet that i had saved up for for ages, and i wanted to show it off to her. she grabs it out of my hands and just flat-out refuses to give it back- i literally have to wrestle her for it. i'm obviously furious. it's somewhere in this year when i realize that i need to cut her out of my life and i begin to really dislike her.
okay, now we're fourteen and i'm avoiding her, begging my mom to stop giving her rides, beginning to really hate myself and feeling insecure nearly all the time. i tell my parents what's going on and they don't take it seriously, even though i'm crying and can't get over these new feelings of stress and insecurity and thinking for the first time, that i really am just trash. however, they understand that this is a big deal to me, so they don't get too upset at me when i blow up on elizabeth, screaming and never talking to her again. but, they continue to give her rides home, because our moms are friends and my mom says this is a huge help to her mom and wants to be nice and take the high road. luckily, elizabeth is allowed to stay home alone now, so all i have to endure is ten minutes of awkward silence in the car.
anyway, fast forward yet again to present day...
i'm sixteen. two years later, those insults still stick with me. i worry about everything i do, i constantly feel like everyone is staring at me, judging me for every little movement, even stupid things like the way i walk (which feels clunky and ungraceful to me, and i'm sure everyone is looking at me and wondering why i walk weird, even though i don't have a limp or anything and i walk like a normal person.) or the fact that i'm making ramen in the microwave for lunch (i mean come on, toxic-side-of-my-mind, how dumb is that? nobody judges you for your food choices, shut up.). i constantly worry that i have food on my face after i eat, even though i may check in a mirror and i know there's nothing there. every morning, i worry that i have dried toothpaste on my lips, which has resulted in a bad habit of rubbing at the corners of my mouth to remove toothpaste that i know isn't there. i have a condition called hyperhidrosis, which means that i sweat more than the average person, and even though i think it's usually covered up by my deoderant, i worry that i smell bad and everyone else knows, and maybe i've just gone "nose-blind" to it, like in those febreeze commercials. i feel like i always leech off of everyone else for my validation and i know i would be even worse if not for the constant and subconscious encouragement that you guys and my irl friends give me. i worry that everyone else thinks my self-hatred is an act, and that i'm just fishing for compliments. i worry that my friends don't really like me, and they're just staying friends with me because they don't want me to be offended.
sometimes i feel like the main character in turtles all the way down, except my thing isn't a scab on my finger, it's imaginary toothpaste. i worry that i have anxiety and i'm just in denial, but i don't want to go to a therapist because i'm worried my friends will find out and judge me for it, and so the cycle continues. i want to make my parents understand but i've tried and they say that feeling insecure is normal, even though i tried to make it clear that there is no way on earth that everyone feels like this. it's gotten worse since i talked to them- i didn't do the toothpaste thing back then. i worry that i've given myself anxiety by allowing myself to believe that everyone is judging me and that i have toothpaste on my lips. i don't know how to bring it up. they say that they would love for me to see a therapist if i feel like i need to, but i don't want to admit i need help and i don't want anyone (besides my parents) to find out how bad i've gotten.
this thread was meant to be more than that, though.
right now as i type this, i have mountains of homework that need to be done by tomorrow, but i'm not doing it. i don't have any motivation to do anything but waste time on the internet and read. it's really hard for me to make myself do any schoolwork, and i always do the bare minimum. i used to think it was simply because i knew academia wasn't my priority, but in a healthy way. then, i realized that there might be more to why i sometimes literally can't seem to make myself do any schoolwork until the last minute. maybe i need to be homeschooled, but again- there are social repercussions and that's the last thing i want. i struggle with this lack of motivation in most areas of my life, and my parents have noticed. i think they're worried about me.
on to the next topic:
i'm going to try to become a bit more inactive. i think it will help me to not allow myself on the internet as much, and to be honest, i don't love wof as much as i used to. i usually couldn't care less about it. i'm not excited for the third arc at all, and i probably wouldn't read it at all if it weren't for the fact that my irl wof fan friend might actually have a heart attack if i didn't lol. anyway, all that to say: i just stick around here for the friends. i'll be on less often, and i'm going to try to only be on my homethread, any threads that specifically summon me*, or threads like this one, where maybe i can help whoever is going through what i am.
* if you want to summon me FOR ANY REASON AT ALL, PLEASE DO. sorry for the all-caps, but please. don't be nervous at all, i promise i'm nice and if i can do anything to help you, i want to do everything i can. i promise i'm being sincere- never hesitate to summon me for anything you need.
Please tell us why you'd like to report this post
moved to @thankfulthunderstorm1 :D