[Wall of text ahead]
I could talk about my first first crush, but I'm currently trying to forget about that... (Hint: Had to go to therapy for a while because of something he did) so I'll just talk about my second/current crush.
At the beginning of the year, Jessica and I were kinda friends, like those friends who you're like "Oh my friend and I did this" but you never really talk to them. I always saw her as that one cool girl everyone wanted to be friends with who was also waaay out of my friend league. Then, she brought in a few warriors books, none of which I had read yet, and so I asked if I could borrow the first one. She agreed, and I finished the book very quickly. We then began to grow closer due to Warrior Cats. Then, we were introduced to musicals such as Dear Evan Hansen, Be More Chill, and Heathers: the Musical. Our friendship really started taking off. Pretty soon, we had found a bunch of ships (all of which were quite gay) and started freaking out about them. It was around this time that I began developing a crush on her. It was November at the time. I came out to her as pan on my birthday, and she was very supportive of me. I then learned that she, too, was pan. I enjoyed her company so much, she was always supportive and we could always have a nice conversation. Then, my first crush (no names for him) good me that she was talking about me behind my back. I refused to believe him because she had never lied to me, and he had so many times. I told him that and he said that he was just trying to warn me. I told him to frick off. Jessica and I continued to be friends after that. A little while after that, I went for a sleepover at another friend's house. My first crush lived nearby, and my friend called him down to mess with him (one of our favorite activities). During this time, he pulled out his phone and showed me about 9 huge paragraphs in one of his contacts. "This is how much Jessica has talked about you over the last, like, 24 hours." I looked closer at them and notices that they were all about pictures I sent her , things about how we were friends, and similar things. "So what?" I said. Inside I was actually flattered that she cared that much. A few days later, I found out that she was moving. No big deal, you might think. Well, actually, yes big deal. She was moving to Florida that day after the last day of school. I was not happy. Actually, I was miserable. I promised myself that I would confess to her on the last day of school. On the days leading up, my feelings only increased. I went from saying I liked her to saying that I was in love with her. And it as true. It still is. The last day of school comes, and I'm terrified. I almost vomited in the morning. I ignore it and continue on with my day, postponing my confession as much as I could. Getting very close to the end of the day, I started getting very nervous. When the dismissal announcements came on, I started having a panic attack. I felt like I couldn't breathe. But I knew that it was now or never, so after getting comforted by my friend, I built up the courage to confess. Her response was "that makes two". That's it. I had gotten her phone number before, so five days after she moved, I tried to call her. Turns out she got a new phone and so now I have no way of contacting her.
Confessing was only that much harder because my school is a Catholic school filled to the brim with homophobic/racist staff and a ton more lgbtqia+ people than you'd expect. Also my parents are homophobes and I would get kicked out if they knew. Fortunately, I do have a friend who has offered to take me in if they find out, so I don't have to worry about that.
[Mods please let this through]